Choosing Love over Fear

What causes the greatest human cost during divorce? My answer is simple … and, it might surprise you. It’s FEAR and, of course, the related stress it causes.

When we as humans are faced with a real challenge in life, our primal response is fear. For millennia, it allowed us to literally survive, but we are no longer being chased by saber-tooth tigers. In modern times, it has been useful in protecting us in the presence of temporary threats. But when we are stuck in a constant state of “fight or flight,” flooding our bodies with adrenaline and cortisol, fear is unhealthy and costly from a health perspective. Fear is a beast within us and our brains are hardwired for negative information and responses that feed that beast. 

Fear-causing choices, actions and words generate negative emotions such as: grief, apathy, uncertainty, shame, abandonment, horror, anger, hate, anxiety, guilt, failure, sadness jealousy, inadequacy, bitterness, judgment, frustration, doubt, insecurity, worry and depression. These emotions result in constraints (I “can’ts” I “don’ts” and it “won’ts”) and a feeling of being stuck, even trapped, in a situation unable to move forward. It can result in drama and even a sense of being a victim or even a martyr.

The alternative is LOVE. Love-causing choices, actions and words are not soft - as they might be assumed, and don’t mean you don’t feel negative emotions, but rather that you feel them and let them move through you - instead of allowing them to set up camp inside you and control you. Operating from love always generates positive emotions such as: happiness, empathy, certainty, honor, belonging, wonder, acceptance, contentment, peace, joy, hope, trust, confidence, connection, openness, freedom, honesty, compassion, respect and understanding. These emotions allow us to keep goals, focus, get along better in relationships, be content, compassionate, happier and healthier and in short, to do our very best. They minimize the potential for drama and allow us to operate at our best.

Fear is fighting against … an ex-spouse, the perceived loss, the grief, and is negative and exhausting. Fighting for … what remains and for what can be retained feels positive, light and recharging. If we can switch that gear, we can move from the limitations of fear into the limitless possibilities of love, not the romantic love, but rather a true concern for our own well-being, as well as those we love. What would you rather put your energy into?

The good news … is that even during UNCERTAINTY, we have a CHOICE between fear and love … and that choice affects our ability to do our very BEST with every CHOICE we make, every ACTION we take and every WORD we use.

And here’s the really powerful part… whether you CHOOSE fear or love, it affects the divorce journey and outcome … resulting in either limitations or possibilities. It is the difference between the positive perspective of what remains and negative focus on what may not. It is shifting the paradigm of divorce to one of consciously choosing love over fear for every choice, action and word.

It might be said that one wolf is fear, and the other is love. Which do you feed? 

In the end, I have learned that

life is precious, perspective is everything, and that love always wins.

Boundaries and Consequences

Boundaries and consequences are a critical part of the healing process in order to have healthy relationships of all types in the future.

I was 34 years old the first time I set anything even resembling a boundary with a consequence. Multiple boundaries were violated and the collective consequence was enforced with next to no effort on my part. I was 62 when I enforced my most serious consequence for a violation of a critical boundary, the kind that could have cost me my entire family. It has been a lifelong process for me to identify, create and execute boundaries. It is not easy but well worth the work.

I have been focusing on boundaries and consequences … every day for over 4 years now. There are many layers to the topic and a lot of self-reflection necessary to set and hold boundaries and enforce consequences.

Therefore, I want to share the information that has been useful to me, based on the work of multiple therapists and specialists in the field, and created a very brief and conceptual explanation in regard to setting boundaries and executing consequences.

This document is purely to get you thinking about the topic. I am not a therapist and as you move forward with the essential process, I strongly recommend that you work with a therapist skilled at setting core-value based healthy boundaries and defining appropriate consequences, as well as enforcing those boundaries and consequences.

In addition to the 5 group sessions in the “Single Minded” series, I offer group roundtable discussions on a variety of topics including identifying core values and setting boundaries and executing consequences. Check Services.

Click here to read and download Thoughts on Boundaries and Consequences

Riding the Waves of Grief

An excerpt written by an unknown author

“I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. 

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. 

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. 

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

I am Single

It was a physician who, while looking at my intake form, stopped her finger on the word divorce, looked at me and pronounced that I was now single. And she changed the box that I had checked from Divorced to Single. That felt SO much better than being labeled as divorced. First and foremost, I am now single. Yes, I have been married three times and yes, divorced three times. But I am now single. I might have been widowed or divorced, but that is irrelevant to the fact that I am now single.

Sadly, divorce carries with it a stigma, often one of judgement and blame, ostracism and marginalization and negative language. It’s all based on outdated beliefs, societal expectations and personal bias. No one ever got married and said that they’d love to be divorced one day. You didn’t ask for it to happen and yet there you are one day facing divorce and decoupling. Tragically many divorces end not only in the dissolution of marriage but also of the complete relationship between the two people. In cases of abuse this is a gift. But in cases of evolutionary disconnection or the growth of the parties in two different directions, it is a loss. For many there are years of happy times and good memories, often including the arrival of children, that get washed away in the destruction of divorce and replaced by pain and grief. 

The day the physician changed my status on the medical documents, I felt all of that drift away and I stepped fully into the role of simply living single. And to be fair, being single comes with its own stigma. Being single is not synonymous with being alone. Ask yourself why society puts the romantic relationship on a pedestal, as though it is of higher value than all other relationships in our life. Is it not your “ride or die” friends who have outlasted every romantic relationship you’ve ever had? Whether or not we are alone is determined by all the other relationships we have in our life. My life not only dispels the stigma but also redefines and embraces it, challenges and all, allowing me to look forward leaving the time of divorce in the past where it belongs. For now, I am proudly single!

Rebuilding a Frame

When those events, anniversaries or milestone roll around, and you are already dreading their arrival, instead ask yourself, “What can I do to reframe it?”

We reframe artwork and perspective, and even houses need reframing as they age, so why not experiences?

A woman who had dinner with her husband at the same restaurant nearly every Friday night dreaded ever going back to that restaurant, so instead her friends surrounded her with love and they all went there on a Friday night. The charge that event once held is not longer and she can go by herself, with a friend and even order carry out. After all, the food is still good!

A 20th anniversary was approaching and the woman knew that she would feel really sad that day, as she was still grieving what could have, in her mind should have, been a milestone to be celebrated. 20 years prior her engagement had included a presentation of 100 tulips. In a moment of desperation, or was it really genius, she bought 100 tulips and packaged them into small bouquets to be handed to friends, coworkers and even strangers on that day. That was the moment that the day that had represented her wedding anniversary became her Tulip Day, a new tradition that would take place annually. She had built a new frame for it; she had reframed it.

Those are two amazing examples of creating a new frame for an event that had become negatively emotionally charged and now is imprinted with a new memory and a new frame of perspective.

Happiness is a Choice

Attributed to both Pope Francis and a renowned 19th century Portuguese poet … but the author is unknown

You can have flaws, be anxious, and ever angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. 

Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a road without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.  

To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stage of fear, love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness. It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures. It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity. Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves.  

To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny's author. It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul. It is to thank God for every morning, for the miracle of life.  

Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It's to be able to talk about you. It is having the courage to hear a "no". It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified. It is to kiss your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us. To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. 

It is to have maturity to be able to say, “I made mistakes.” It is to have the courage to say, “I am sorry.” It is to have the sensitivity to say, “I need you.” It is to have the ability to say, “I love you.” 

May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness ... that in spring may it be a lover of joy … in winter a lover of wisdom. And when you make a mistake, start all over again. For only then will you be in love with life.  

You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life. But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpt serenity. Use pain to plaster pleasure. Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence.  

Never give up. Never give up on people who love you. Never give up on happiness, for life is an incredible show.