Most of you have not lived as a single person for at least a few years and some not for decades. Others have never lived as a single person. The world is a very different place in regard to safety and an entirely different landscape for dating since you were last single.  

My strongest advice is to live on your own for quite a while, in fact until you have done the work necessary to heal and are comfortable with living alone … possibly forever. Don’t be in a rush to “couple” in an effort to ease some of the discomfort of living single. Do. The. Work. Why is doing the work important? Simply, because if you don’t do the work, you will 100% repeat your patterns and behaviors from your past relationships in your new relationships. No question.

It's important to understand that it is not how many years out from your divorce you are that matters, but rather what you did during those years. Again, do the work. Spend time really identifying who you are, separate of all the relationships in your life. Take an honest look at your part, both good and bad, in the your previous marriage. Spend time consciously creating a new life filled with whatever you enjoy. The healing is not about becoming anything but about un-becoming all the things you became to survive and adapt in unhealthy situations throughout your entire life.

This is an opportunity, perhaps unsolicited, to create a new life based on what you want, likely for the first time in your life. Be intentional about all aspects of this creation. Create a home. Many have lived in lovely living space, their apartment or house, but didn’t create home, a space in which you both enjoy spending time and find peace with being alone. If you do the work of healing, meaning changing old patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you in a positive manner, and create a home that is safe and peaceful, you change shift from needing to have another in your life to wanting the company of another. That is a powerful place from which to come to another … in the future.

During this time living single would need to begin to trust again. That’s a big one and you may wonder if that is even possible again. If you do the work, it will minimize your chance of repeating your old patterns and behaviors, as well as make you aware of what not to be attracted to. You have to learn to trust your judgement and yourself again! 

And you will need to begin to trust others again. But … trust isn’t to just be given to others, trust needs proof! Again … trust needs proof! And trust needs to be earned by another through consistency, reliability, commitment, integrity and honesty. As human, we are too quick to just blindly believe that someone is telling the truth. A therapist suggested that for at least the first 3 to 6 months of meeting someone new, assume that what they say is “not true” until you can prove that what has been said is actually true. And do that with everything that they say! This is different than assuming that they are lying and gives you the opportunity to find proof of truth telling, especially in difficult conversations and situations. Nobody wants to get hurt again, but anytime two humans interact there is a possibility of getting hurt. As long as you have stayed in your integrity, been true to your values and self and you have done what you can to avoid hurting someone, that’s not on you if they feel hurt.

As with creating a new home filled with peace, sometimes divorce drives you to new things: returning to church, finding new activities and making social friends. Ask yourself “What brings me joy?” “What did I enjoy doing before I got married?” Look for the glimmers that surprise you each day (Session 1 Afterthoughts). Do those things you loved before you were married. Include friends in them. Spend time creating a community of like-minded people. Then you will have social friends to do fun things with. (Check out Meetup.com.)

Living single often brings with it new challenges, especially in regard to home care, safety and ease. Check out the Services tab for my workshops on Living Single, considerations for ease. Living single often brings with it new challenges, especially in regard to home care, safety and ease. Check out the Services tab for my workshops on Living Single, considerations for ease and safety. While you are on the Services page, check out Moving On, a strategy for ethical dating, which addresses “doing the work.”

Throughout this process of transitioning from coupled to single, ask yourself what you have learned. For me, it has been a journey of obtaining true freedom while learning discernment and grace. But the most valuable lesson has been to give everything up to a higher power and to trust that faith is not about getting what I think I want, but instead what I need for my highest good and trusting that higher power to direct me to it.