What is the other deserving of in your life. Likely little to nothing. Often there is the temptation to lean in toward the other, especially when you need help or feel alone, because of the familiarity of the relationship you once had. But, a decision was made to dissolve your marriage and live separate lives. So live your life separate of the other. Ask for help from family, friends and neighbors rather than the other. People love to feel helpful to others, so ask them. Of course you may have to interact with the other while co-parenting. As always, defining and enforcing clear boundaries and consequences is the critical to interacting with everyone in your life but never as important as with the other.

We live in a conflict culture in which people demonize each other. There are several approaches to communicating with the other.

  • Be cordial, friendly but not close.

  • Be civil, polite but impersonal.

  • Be the grey rock, neutral and unengaged.

  • Don’t engage and communicate through an app such as Talking Parents, which can be accessed by the courts if necessary.

Always honor yourself and don’t lower yourself to playing the blame game. Remember that your relationship with the other has become one of business, each communication merely a business transaction to be completed from an intellectual perspective and without emotion. If you need to have an important conversation in person with the other, and even your children, have the conversation outside of both homes. A home is a very emotionally charged space. Having the conversations while walking, or doing another activity, is helpful as it allows for doing something that doesn’t require you to face each other. Take another look at the Session 9 Afterthoughts on how to have difficult conversations and resolve conflict. There are 3 good book recommendations. 

IF, and that is only if, YOU feel that you and the other can be friendly, setting clear boundaries in regard to your “friendship” couldn’t be more important! I also say “friendly” as the other should not be in your inner circle with access to the details of your daily life. They no longer have the right to that position. Moving forward with the other as friends in a way that is healthy for both of you may be possible but only in very rare and exceptional situations, as it is easy for that friendship to become unhealthy and co-dependent.  

 
 

Boundaries and Consequences

Boundaries and consequences are a critical part of the healing process in order to have healthy relationships of all types in the future.

I was 34 years old the first time I set anything even resembling a boundary with a consequence. Multiple boundaries were violated and the collective consequence was enforced with next to no effort on my part. I was 62 when I enforced my most serious consequence for a violation of a critical boundary, the kind that could have cost me my entire family. It has been a lifelong process for me to identify, create and execute boundaries. It is not easy but well worth the work.

I have been focusing on boundaries and consequences … every day for 4 years now. There are many layers to the topic and a lot of self-reflection necessary to set and hold boundaries and enforce consequences.

Therefore, I want to share the information that has been useful to me, based on the work of multiple therapists and specialists in the field, and created a very brief and conceptual explanation in regard to setting boundaries and executing consequences.

This document is purely to get you thinking about the topic. I am not a therapist and as you move forward with the essential process, I strongly recommend that you work with a therapist skilled at setting core-value based healthy boundaries and defining appropriate consequences, as well as enforcing those boundaries and consequences.

In addition to the 5 group sessions in the “Single Minded” series, I offer group roundtable discussions on a variety of topics including identifying core values and setting boundaries and executing consequences. Check Services.

Click here to read and download Thoughts on Boundaries and Consequences